OHHHHHHH SHITTTTTT RU READY TO STEAL A TRACTOR?
TRACTOR JAWN ^
Recently, news stories have been circulating the internet dealing with the drunken theft of a backhoe by a rowan college student. (See: http://www.nj.com/gloucester-county/index.ssf/2011/04/rowan_student_charged_with_ste.html) Want to hear the real non exaggerated version of the story? Cause I know it.
On the morning of 4/20/2011 Rowan student David Galos woke up with one thing in mind: world domination. Mr Galos then procceded to consume 3 Four Lokos, a 12 pack of Keystone Light, and a handle of Captain Morgan. All within a 20 minute time span. OH SHIT.
It became obviously apparent that a backhoe was necessary to achieve this domination of the world. Galos then located one of these exotic pieces of machinery on nearby property.
Galos approached the tractor and encountered his first obstacle: a locked door, barred with an industry leading high tech security system. Galos next proceded to walk into the woods behind the construction site where he encountered a bear.
Galos used his 6’8” height and 250 lbs of pure muscle to tackle the bear to the ground. He then hypnotized the bear, subjecting it to his will. He then instructed the bear to break into the tractor.
Once the bear was inside the tractor, Galos mind controlled him/her into hacking into the Tractor’s ultra sophisticated 4 wire ignition system. Under normal circumstances, this device uses a metallic “key” object to prevent unwanted starts. To circumnavigate this ultra high tech system, the bear unplugged the switch. The wires were then simultaneously bridged with a 0 ohm, ultra low impedance physical connection. This connection brought the raw, uncontrollable 58HP diesel engine roaring to life.
Galos now took the wheel of his new machine and drove onto Carpenter St. He then proceeded to drive down the street, smashing through houses, running over cars, and digging massive holes.
Police then received a roaring telephone call from an upset bear tipping them off to a stolen tractor on Carpenter St. After finishing ticketing people for much more heinous crimes, such as red light infractions or people parking on their front lawns, the police arrived at the scene.
Galos would not go down without a fight. Wielding his AK47, flashlight and wire strippers, Galos was a force to be reckoned with. After a 58 day gunfight, Galos eventually died of starvation before being mauled and eaten by a police dog.
Actually, that isn’t what happened at all. But it’s much more interesting than the real story of a drunk college student hot wiring an unlocked tractor, driving it 10 feet and shutting it off before even reaching the street.
But hey, why get the facts? It’s much better to post articles on your news website you wrote without any actual knowledge of the incident. Just read public records and police reports and infer the rest!
NUFF SAID
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